Hi mama.
You don’t have to choose between loving your children or loving yourself.
Wow…what a simple and obvious concept that managed to completely blow my mind when I first read it. Motherhood, for me, has proven to be the ultimate dichotomy. On one hand, It has revealed in me a selflessness and level of service that I am proud of. Becoming a mom of my 3 little babies has absolutely changed me for the better. This role has refined me and taught me patience, gratitude, joy, hospitality, empathy, and love on a level far beyond what I could have grasped before kids. It has highlighted the importance of community and support and how crucial it is to take care of each other. It has taught me to welcome the offerings of help when they come and when I need them, but also be willing to pay it forward. To look around when I’ve caught my breath to see who is holding theirs. To join someone’s village.
At the same time though, I find myself feeling more anxious, exhausted, and overwhelmed than ever in my life. The mental and emotional load of motherhood sometimes feels like too much to bear and draws out feelings of resentment, anger and loneliness. While my logical brain knows I should take time to breathe, to rest, to recharge; I also feel after giving so much to everyone else day in and day out, it often seems like there’s nothing left for myself. Sometimes I just want space. Sometimes I want to be able to use both hands. Sometimes I want to finish something that I start. Some days it doesn’t feel like there’s the opportunity.
When I slow down enough to think for a moment, I realize that for the last 4 years since becoming a mom, I have been operating with an either/or mindset, rather than both/and. Motherhood doesn’t have to be an “all or nothing” kind of gig. I am slowly starting to realize that as hard as I try, I’ll never be able to give my children everything, but that doesn’t mean I should give myself nothing. As it turns out, our children feel loved and cared for by how we treat them, but ALSO by how they see us love and care for ourselves. So maybe this means the one minute morning routine should lengthen to ten, or maybe it means hiring a sitter for a couple hours to have lunch with a friend, or maybe it means we simply stop feeling guilty for every single choice made for ourselves. However it looks for you mama, remember it is important to give enough to them AND to you.
Also keep in mind, it is okay to feel many things at the same time. It’s ok for this staggering love to coexist with a desperate desire for space. It’s ok to feel an immense sense of gratitude and also like you need a break. These days are messy and joyful, hectic and beautiful, utterly exhausting and life giving. I think that without the hard parts, it is difficult to truly appreciate the amazing parts. Hold space for all of it. You’ve got this.
Love,
Erin